Yanked from impropaganda:

1. Someone knocks on your door at 2 a.m., who do you want it to be?
K

2. Your boss tells you he/she will give you a $20 raise if you'll do your job naked would you stay?
That would be impractical. Were it a £200 raise...

3. Put yourself in a nutshell:
Too big.

4. Ever seen a ghost?
Thought so when I was a kid. 

5. Happy with your body?
For the most part.


( Could be worse )

...this version of him. 

I spent a significant portion of today in Queens Hospital. After a...leaden night's sleep, I woke up with a shortness of breath. Even as I write this, my breathing feels laboured. But today confirmed what I already suspected. Its psychological. 

Top Trumps:

• On examination my lungs sound fine. No crackling, no wheezing. 
• X-Rays reveal no fluid or abnormal growths. No blockages in my trachea. 
• Blood pressure and O2 sats are almost perfect. No hypoxia.

Despite my medication, and my (2 months suspended) smoking habit, my body is actually holding up pretty well. I could do more exercise, but I have a job which involves little sitting down and a lot of lifting. No Jabba am I. 

My GP, before referring me to Queens, used the word anxiety. I wasn't hysterical, but I know that I am not right; that I have not been "right" for some time. Cynics or previous associates may even say "Never." Although I was having trouble breathing last night, it came to a head today. After a night of black spaces and tectonic imagery. After a weekend off, knowing that I would have to head out into the world and play reindeer games. This thought crosses my mind:

The more I am around you, the more I am alone. 

I'm fortunate to have so many people in my life that I love. And who love me. But more and more I feel like I'm having to be too many people. It's not even like I chop and change different masks depending upon who I'm with or what situation I'm in. in those moments I am someone different. When I'm at work I'm responsible, detached, professional. At home I keep to myself. Around my friends - in groups and one on one - I twist and contort, showing many sides but not a whole. I've recently met someone. Around her I feel encouraged, maybe a little hopeful; despite not being naive enough to get ahead of myself or believe it signals an ultimate turnaround. 

This morning, when I finally woke up, I kept thinking about taking a hammer and breaking some fingers. As extreme and insane as that is, it has the unfortunate distinction of not being uncommon. I've not cut myself in years but I always think about it. Sometimes I'll realise I've been walking around with one eye closed; a pale imitation of the ferocious wound I imagine placing there.  I feel that wound, and many others like, even without having them. 

This creates a sort of paradigm shift in my head. If I start cutting into bits of myself I'll lose the warmth and closeness She has given me. My friends will change and I'll lose the ground I have in my work. If I deny the feelings they bottle up and could potentially lead to something much, much worse. I constantly twist the Rubik cube, trying to find the right combination. Sometimes I feel electrocuted; this system shock where my nerves frazzle. Its a worm, writhing around inside of me. On the move, silken subtle and consuming.

It could be worse. Least I know I don't have cancer or some horrible pulmonary disease. The good news is that my mind is now turning on my body without the aid of sharps. Progress you might say. I shouldn't be so flippant. I do that when I want to diminish the effect something is having on me. I do that when I talk about my Dad or dead/dying people in general. I know I am making many of the decisions, conscious or otherwise, that he did. I know how scared and alone he must have been at the end.

Right now I have nothing but clarity.  

Some things I've been thinking about:

• The difference between the way the world sees you, and how things are.

• How to take first steps, and how far to go.

• At what point do you say STOP?

• Think about all the people who have it worse than you.

• Should I stop drinking

• Should I just leave (many levels).

• Its not just me in here.

Sigh.